When I meet people who are literally stuck in loneliness, people who have hopes and dreams yet endure the same pain and emptiness every day – it breaks my heart. Loneliness is not a place where you should stay for the rest of your life!
I know that some people do stay there nevertheless. But I don’t want you to be one of those people. I want you to un-stuck yourself, to experience the love and joy that you yearn for! It’s never too late for that.
So how do you set yourself free? First, you need to understand
What keeps you stuck in loneliness
What kept me stuck in the first stages of loneliness?
If you asked me back then I’d say: “I have no one to love me… Friends don’t have time for me… No one is interested in me, I’ve tried everything”. That’s how it looked to me.
But now, my perspective has changed. It has changed because I’m in a different place and so I see a bigger picture.
It is a challenging picture, in the sense that it may challenge your present perspective.
And it’s also an opportunity for you to accept the challenge and use it to embark on a journey out of the lonely land.
A challenge makes us feel that we’re not ready or not able. Don’t let such feelings stop you!
Take a deep breath and be willing to consider that these three things are actually keeping you stuck:
1. Fearing the unknown
It may seem crazy but believe me, it’s very real:
When you have been in the same situation for a long time, years maybe, you get used to it. Even if you don’t want to be there, it is also something you know very well. You know what it looks like. You know how it feels. It is a home of a kind.
You probably wouldn’t admit this to yourself (I know I wouldn’t back then!), but the thought of being in a different space – a space of freedom, of connections, of love – is not only tempting and wonderful but also terrifying. Because we all fear the unknown. We long for it and we fear it.
This is why so many people stay in situations they shouldn’t stay in. Because the fear of stepping out of the known is more convincing than the pain of staying. Because leaving the place you know and embarking on a journey into a complete unknown territory (where you will change and your life will change) seems as dangerous as jumping off a cliff.
It’s important that you’re aware of it. And it’s important that you ask yourself the existential question:
Do you want to stay where you are, dissatisfied, torn between pain and futile dreams about a different life, getting nowhere… or will you commit to creating the life that you truly want?
Even if you don’t know how you get there, the first step is to decide that will get there. Choose a life without loneliness.
2. Not seeing your way out
When you’re stuck your perspective is very limited. Our vision can only go so far. And because of that it may seem like there is no way out. Or it may seem like there is a way out but it’s not accessible for you (because you have tried so many times).
You need a bigger perspective!
Fortunately, that different perspective is available to you. Even more so in these days, where, no matter how isolated, you can connect with others via the Internet.
By the way, I invite you to use technology wisely. And so, rather than use the internet to fill the emptiness or make time pass by, use it purposefully, use it to help yourself move on.
Open up to other perspectives than your own. Learn from people that have been where you are (or in similar places), and who have been able to move on, and even help others move on.
Let them help you see more of where you are, and more of what is possible, for you too.
3. Not trusting
I know it can be hard to trust other people. That is the general human condition, but it is even more so when you live in isolation or fear.
And that’s Okay. You need to respect your feelings. But there’s no need to let these feelings prevent you from investigating whether possible supporters can be trusted.
Using the internet, or just by speaking with them, you can find out where these teachers or coaches come from:
- What’s their story? What’s their journey?
- Have they been able to help others?
- How can they help you?
Here’s a way out of loneliness:
Before anything else,
Commit to change
Take some time to do that. Dedicate yourself as wholeheartedly as you possibly can to changing your life, to getting yourself un-stuck, to finding your way out of loneliness.
Don’t worry about not knowing how. Don’t worry about it appearing impossible.
All you have to do is commit to the journey. This is the first, most important step.
After that, you’ll just take one more step. And then another.
That’s all you need to do! You don’t need to know all the way.
Here’s the thing and the paradox:
All true change comes from within. And, it is extremely hard (plus it can prolong the process by decades) to do it without other people’s help. The beauty of this world is that there are almost always people out there ready to help you. But only if you accept their help! So don’t keep yourself stuck:
Reach out to me or reach out to anyone else who knows loneliness in and out and has been able to transform it completely, for themselves and for others.
Do it and see what unfolds!
Remember, you have made a decision to find your way out of loneliness. What it takes now is inner and outer action, one step at a time.
Love, joy, belonging – these are all achievable states. And, they do not happen all by themselves. If you stay in that stuck place, waiting for something to happen then I have some news for you (bad and good, in that order):
The bad news:
The probability of your life changing without you taking the necessary action, inner and outer, is close to zero. Don’t count on fairy tale miracles. You have to take the first step!
The great news:
Once you commit to change wholeheartedly and take that first step, the entire universe will start conspiring to help you transform loneliness to the lasting love and joy that you long for. So yes, count on miracles after all – real life miracles!
Take those first steps now, my friend, and let us see you shining!