These words came to me on the New Year morning, in a meditation: “It’s time to take your traveling boots on”. They came along with a vision of me giving the key to my apartment to a stranger and taking off on a solo journey with no final destination.
3+ months later this is becoming a reality. Although, not as daring a reality as in the meditation (yet). There is a final destination (or maybe not?), I know when I will return (can I really know that?) and I’m in the midst of practical preparation.
But then there are moments when I feel like calling the whole thing off.
“Why did I even start this. Why don’t I just continue my perfectly satisfactory and fulfilling life here? Why would I leave my peaceful sanctuary in the sweetest and safest place in the world?”
Why leave the known for the unknown?
I ask myself these questions and then I remember. Because something is calling me. Because I am on a quest for the unknown me.
So I get back to the practical aspects of it the best I can. I develop sophisticated to do lists (and then I forget them), I take it one step at a time, I go with the flow of it.
It’s a great process by the way, reminding me of what matters and what not.
The challenge is that it’s all on me
Yes, I can discuss my travel plans with a friend, but at the end of the day…
It’s my solo life, my solo decisions and it will all be my solo consequences.
That’s how it feels. Even if it’s not completely true.
The thing is that when I get overwhelmed, I forget that…
No matter how it looks, I am not alone.
Neither are you.
I am, obviously, alone in the sense that I live alone.
But then, we are all (not so obviously perhaps) part of something infinitely bigger. That with which we co-create our lives, that which sustains us.
So when the overwhelm comes or another wave of fear in the middle of the night…
The art of it is to reconnect with that bigger awareness.
To sit still, to be with what is here, to embrace it rather than try to control it (which we can’t anyway). To love this too.
This is what I do:
I feel the fear. I open myself to it. I am with it.
That’s how magic happens.
When I stop resisting what is, when I don’t stand in its way, love begins to flow.
I cannot understand it and I cannot force it, but I can sense a healing taking place, touching my past and my present, and even my future. Loving its way through my body, my feelings, my mind. Reinstating its light.
As I open to it my innocence and my faith in myself is coming back, as is the knowing of the Magician within, the one that knows this:
Everything is subject to transformation! All is well.
And then I realize this:
The journey that lies ahead is no different than the one I’m on this very moment.
Whether I slip my feet into traveling boots or into slippers, the journey unfolds one moment at a time.
Along the way there’s all the help I need — from within and from other people.
All I need to do is ask and open to receive.
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