That’s Okay. I can just go for a walk instead (to the beach, the lake, the woods, the park). There, without me trying, the puzzle called me falls into place. I feel like a little girl again, in awe at every breathtaking detail of the scenery around me, feeling small in the best of ways. In the midst of nature’s grandeur I forget everything else, myself included.
It’s pure magic – it turns me around and all of a sudden I want to dance and run and shout my joy out! Because it’s there! Only, I don’t.
I stop myself from doing it because, there is something more to this scenery. There are other people there too, even if only few.
What would they think?
I will never know what they’d think, not for as long as I stand still and don’t give them a reason to think… but even if I did my silly, joyful dance…. they probably wouldn’t think anything. They’d probably just feel the joy and smile.
I realize that, yet there is a memory within me making me expect something very different. I expect they would laugh at me, or shake their head in disapproval.
I have this belief (even if I know is nonsense), that at least in certain places, with certain people, I should be more… respectable. Especially when I’m alone.
It’s kind of OKay and acceptable to be goofy together. But a solo woman making a fool of herself? That’s pathetic, isn’t it?
This is amazing. I’ve been a rebel all my life, in much more visible and impactful ways than this – and yet, something in me wants to be a respectable rebel.
I don’t want to be ridiculed. It hurts. I don’t want anyone to think:
“Why is she laughing and dancing when there’s no one there?”
I know it’s insane yet I’m hesitant to let myself loose. And it’s not just me. There’s an entire human chain there: family, peers, neighbors, teachers, strangers…. all keeping their joy down… even if we hardly can. How can I break it?
All it takes is a few tiny steps
Like this discreet dance while waiting for a bus. (Oh, and if that prompts any judgement, dance with the judgement!)
As for me, now that I decided to write to you about it, there is no way back, is there? I can’t write this stuff and then stay in the hiding, can I? No. I don’t want to. I don’t want this to just be empty words.
So on the same day when I started writing this , I promised myself I’ll be true to myself. And then I went for another walk along the shore. And then, when the urge to just run and shout came… I let myself loose! And guess what:
The world did not go under!
Now, I’m not in any way implying that you should force yourself to express something in public that you’re not comfortable expressing. Not at all.
Do what’s right for you
There are times when you just need privacy.
But then there are other times, when it’s not the need for privacy that prevents you from expressing yourself publicly. Rather, it is the fear of judgement.
This fear keeps you from experiencing sheer joy, and life, and beauty. It keeps you imprisoned in a false comfort zone that isn’t comfortable at all.
If you find yourself there, but really would like to be more free, then why not try and spread your wings a little bit more.
“Sometimes you’ve got to dance alone! And loose yourself to find your way home.”
Let’s not hide one of our most powerful, liberating and magical feelings! Let your joy shine, whether you’re with others or not!
— Did you like this dance? Share the joy below!